Dealing With Parent Pressure
I have this dilemma. I’m now 24. As a junior I was ranked very high under 16 in my country.
My dilemma without going into my life story is that when I play in front of my parents (who come even though I’d rather they didn’t) I get really angry and as I’m playing all I can think of is that they are scrutinizing me and judging me all the time and it just makes me anxious to the point where I can’t concentrate on executing a game plan.
I’ve just started playing again after a 5 year lay-off and have just won a tournament and made the semi’s in my first two back since the lay-off but tonight I just lost to some guy who’s a big fish in a little pond around my local area night competition.
I’m just over being this guy who has so much potential as all my coaches and trainers and peers have told me my whole life and just wanna be able to step into my potential for once.
I only rarely seem to do this and I know now as an adult that it’s mental. Please help…
The “problem” probably started when you were younger when your parents did scrutinize and judge you. Now you know how they think even if they don’t show it.
What to do?
1. Explain to them how this affects you. Be 100% honest and express what you feel and how that holds you back. Tell them you need their 100% support so that you can be free to miss and lose.
Obviously you cannot win all the time so you must feel no pressure to lose. Then you’ll be able to play your best.
2. Whether this works or not, learn to refocus. Understand that YOU are the one who GENERATES these thoughts (about parents judging you). You must also be the one to stop them and refocus on the game.
The reality may well be, that your parents are unable to change their habitual thinking at their age now EVEN if they want to. Once the mind has been programmed for 40 years, it’s almost impossible to change.
So rather than wishing that reality was different (your parents being supportive), accept reality – your parents judging you – and deal with that.
See you parents as victims of their upbringing and the circumstances they grew up in. They are stuck. They don’t want to harm you but maybe they do.
Just let them think their thoughts and maybe they’ll let you think yours!
Let them judge you, so what. They don’t understand the game of tennis. So their opinion doesn’t hold much value.
Ask 100 top tennis coaches whether they would judge you if you lost.
Most of them would only judge you if you didn’t put up the effort. But not for losing. They GET IT. Winning and losing (missing and hitting in) in NOT withing your control.
You cannot be held responsible for something you cannot control. You CAN only control how hard you try.
If you don’t give 100% (and you know exactly when that is), then it’s your fault. It’s your responsibility to give 100%.
But if you give 100% and lose, then it’s just tennis. NOTHING you can do right now except learn from the experience and try again.
Hope this gives you enough background so that YOU don’t judge yourself when you lose. Once you can do that, you’ll see that others will stop too…
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April 23rd, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Just to go along with what you already said, try to start playing for yourself. If you’re not happy with the way you played, fine. Work on it until you do become okay with it. But if you know you gave the best effort you could and you’re pleased with it, try not to let someone else’s opinions get to you. It’s hard at first, but once you become more confident and secure in yourself, you’ll gradually become immune to what others are doing around you.
April 27th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I really like the good advice, already given to you. Yes, you must learn to focus on the game at hand and learn to Not Care about anything else. One of the hardest things to develop is the ability to play in front of a crowd, especially when family or friends are present.
The key words I note in your blog is the fact you get angry. This is the cardinal sin in tennis. Some people may play better after getting angry but this is a Rarity. You Must learn to control all emotion. Tennis is 99% mental. I would suggest you also learn to just have Fun! Focus on the game and visualize each shot just before you hit it.
Once you calm down and learn to not care about outward conditions, you’ll find your game will much improve.
Good Luck and have fun!