Ever since this year, my whole family has really gotten into tennis and they’re always talking about it. This continues to actually scare me because both my older brother and younger sister are getting really good fast and so am I.

But now my mom and dad have suddenly invested a lot of money into different camps for me and it truly frightens me because now when I play a competitive match I feel a ton of pressure from them because I am worried that if I lose that I am wasting their money and their time.

I have lost only about 2 matches from the past two years of my competitive play and now I feel a very high amount of pressure to continue winning.

I used to really enjoy playing tennis but now I lost that will to always play because of this reason I mentioned above. Any sort of advice from you would be so so helpful!

To come to some conclusion about your issue, you would need to openly discuss this with your parents. No matter what I say, you’ll never be sure what they think – unless you talk with them.

You have to ask them the exact same question you asked me and then talk about it. It’s very likely that your parents have never read sports psychology books and don’t really understand that you cannot guarantee a win. This is sport and it’s unpredictable.

Secondly, if you improve and move to higher levels, you will reach a level (99,99% sure) where you will NOT be able to win any more. You will reach your limit and will constantly lose.

These are some things that a parent must KNOW.

If they have decided to support you, then they must pay for your tennis with ONLY one condition; that you will try your best and give 100% effort. This IS within your control and that’s what they can get in return; that you do the best you can.

This also what you must know. Even if you give your best, you may lose. At French Open, 128 players started the tournament, 127 lost. They all tried very hard to win but they didn’t.

I suggest you check the Q&A article where a player is afraid to disappoint himself and lose rankings.

And if your parents are open to these kind of topics, let them read my answer and other mental articles on my site. If you are playing one of the toughest mental sports, then they need to educate themselves about it so that they understand what’s going on here and that they can understand your feelings.

Your parents can start with the article about parent pressure in tennis and then check various post on this blog in the tennis parents category.

Dear Tomaz,

I have a daughter who is 14 years old and we are to put her in an academy to improve her tennis. My gut instinct is that she will not make it because she will not be very tall maybe 5ft6″.

She is very strong in the mind and an extremely hard worker. Should I be discouraged or should I go for it?

She will be going to the 6th Sense Tennis Academy.  I am so confused?

Interesting question and I hope I will answer in a way that will give you some food for thought.

First, you say that you feel she will not make it. Make it to where? Become what? Top 10 in world?

Is that all that counts? Do you feel that she will not make it as a human being who is not judged by the external results but by internal values and actions?

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I have  12.5 years old son who plays tennis. His coaches and other people claim that he is very talented and has a very very good and natural technique.

However when he is playing he is more attempting to make “nice” points then just to put the ball in the court, he is very daring and very creative in his game.

This results in less success in games than he is expected (ratio of unforced errors is not to his favor… he is usually losing to himself), this results in loss in his self confidence.

How would you recommend to deal with that?

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I stumbled across your site by accident while trying to find tips to help my 11 year old daughter (12 in April).

She first picked up the racquet about 18 months ago and fell in love with tennis. We aren’t rich, but managed to get her a coach – he was quite young and she started to hit the ball over the net quite nicely.

He suggested that she enter some tournaments – so we entered her for some – it was a rude awakening.

She hadn’t been taught to serve and was playing against girls who had already been playing for 4-5 years… She lost every match 6-0 6-1. Out of 40 matches she won 4.

We decided that it was pointless putting her in matches until she could serve – so stopped entering tournaments and changed coach. She has played in a few tournaments recently and has done quite well – but her serve is still a huge problem.

She double faults regularly – sometime 2 or 3 a game. She is also finding it difficult to cope with the power of some of the other girls.

My question is – should she actually be competing in tournaments now…? Isn’t it better to wait until you have full confidence in your shots before competing?

Her coach seems to think that she will magically find her serve in a match situation – but this isn’t happening and it is eroding her self-confidence very quickly.

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My 8-year old daughter played a match and lost 1:4 and 1:4.  Her opponent was not that much better.  

She should be able to beat her but my daughter lost all her service games and served without control.

I watched this match and I guess she missed because she was nervous.  She cannot control herself.

Whenever she is not better than around 50% of serves in, I can already see a double fault. Don’t ask what my husband is feeling…

I know that you have various experiences about this case, pls help.

Hi and thanks for sharing. I’ll go straight to the point.

You say:

“Whenever she is not better than around 50% of serves in, I can already see a double fault. Don’t ask what my husband is feeling…”

So you and your husband are both feeling NERVOUS as soon as your daughter misses the first serve, right?

And now you expect 8 year old girl NOT to be nervous? Can you NOT be nervous? Can you do it?

Can you believe in her serve even when you know it’s not perfect yet and that her percentage is around 50%? You probably don’t and so doesn’t your daughter.

That’s why she misses.

YOU have to be the first to believe. YOU have to be the first to be calm.

She will follow. She is always following. Even now when you are both nervous. So is she. She can feel you.

This is step 1.

Step 2 is to figure out why are you all nervous. What does it mean to you if she loses or misses?

Take it easy. Children, especially girls are not mentally strong at 8 years old. (with very very few exceptions) They need to be supported when they lose and never criticized.

This tennis journey of your daughter is not only about her changing. It’s also about you changing.

Especially the father who puts so much pressure and nervousness on all results. She cannot handle that.

It is through her results and play that you will see how you affect her.

Hopefully your love for her will be stronger than your ego to be more than other people. Hopefully your love for her will make you change and be less nervous and less obssessed with the results.

Then she will play better and you’ll also get that satisfactory feeling of being a parent of a good tennis player.

This is the part of the parent in this tennis journey.

We coaches teach technique, tactics and how to calm down and focus if there are nerves present. Your role as a parent is that there aren’t any nerves present.

If your daughter feels that she dissapoints you with a loss, she will be nervous. When she is nervous she won’t play well.

Read these two sentences again and again to really get them.

It is that simple problem. The solution lies deep in you.

My son is one year old. I wanna make him superstar like Roger Federer.

How should I start preparing him for a tennis career?

When should he start playing tennis and how should I proceed to achieve his success?

First, let me share my opinion on this topic.

Your son is NOT your property.

It is not morally right to MAKE something out of your son. He is a free person and when he grows up a little more he needs to have free will to choose whatever he likes to do whether you like it or not.

A parent is just a guide. You can show him what you think is good in life and then let him choose whether he likes that too or not.

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Hi Tomaz, I have a 11 year old daughter that is ranked no. 2 in our city.

$I have a problem with her, fear.

She protects herself from looking incompetent by playing safe as opposed to smart, aggressive tennis.

What can I do?

You’ve already made an interesting and deep observation. Could you also say that she is afraid to miss?

If she is afraid to miss and thinks that this is a mistake that she could avoid, you need to show her videos of top players missing shots, especially easy ones.

11 year old kids don’t understand that tennis is out of their control. They almost always think it’s their fault.

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My ten year old son has been playing tennis for about a year and a half. He has always done well in team sports like basketball and baseball, but seems to be experiencing major frustration with tennis?

Last evening, I went to watch him play for the first time since last summer at his insistence. I sat very close to his court, but did not respond to poor shots.

To my surprise, he did not handle his temper very well on the court. He banged his racket and threw it numerous time in frustration. He also became enraged that I was watching him and tried to get me to move out of sight.

I have not had any complaints about his behavior in class, but he is very strong-willed and does not like to lose. His tennis pro made an announcement before the next round of play indicating a player would be asked to leave the center for throwing their racket or showing any sign of unsportsman-like behavior.

He did much better during his next two matches, but he won and I stayed out of sight.

I am just at a loss of what to do with my son. One pro at the center offered to get me a copy of a sixteen second rule?

It has to do with what my son should do in between points? Any suggestions from you would be greatly appreciated.

Why do young tennis players behave badly on a tennis court?

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My son is fourteen years old, and he plays a lot of tournaments. He does o.k.

He does great at practice, but at tournaments he gets angry, or just tries to hit too hard and win all the time.

I have tried to talk to him many times, telling him to play smarter – he does all the hard work at practice and training and cannot play the best he can at tournaments.

Do you have any ideas for me? Thanks

Here’s where we adults get stuck with teenagers:

a) We want to change them – we want them to behave differently.

b) We don’t want them to suffer.

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You’re thinking about getting some tennis lessons for you or for your child but don’t know whether you should go for private or for group lessons (or maybe even both)?

Here is a quick comparison of private and group tennis lessons and you’ll find my recommendations for adults and juniors below the table: (more…)